Sunday, December 8, 2013

What the F was that?


Porcelain for the Paranoid collage (still for sale!)

I had to open with an F word because I live in Ohio and we are number one is swearing! Wish we had a team for that so we could at least win at something. Can’t you just envision that contest! Wonder what the cheerleaders would chant……

Anyway, my title refers to this nasty nasty (NASTY!!!!) bug going around. It needs a name but anything with a swear word in it will do. Perhaps some of you have fallen victim…it not, allow me to enlighten you with some immersion therapy.

It starts ever so suddenly. One minute you are hauling in some last minute Christmas decorations, having just polished off the last of the Thanksgiving leftovers, and you feel a “roll”. Deep in your guts, both psychologicaly and physiologically, you know something is just not right…..

Then it happens….if you are lucky enough to reach the alter of procelin rulers, good for you, but if not, any handy item that holds caustic substances will do. Once the leftovers are gone, any organs not needed at the moment like your pancreas, gall bladder, appendix and so forth will decide to join the party and go on an evacuation vacation. You do start to analyze some of the contents because you can’t go anyplace and some of those organs may need to be reclaimed. 

As an added bonus, the remaining unconnected parts of your internal system decide to liquefy and find out where everything else is going. Must be fun because they are in such a hurry to get there! The sofa (lined in plastic bags of course) becomes your new home. A defensive perimeter is set up with aerosol cans of disinfectant strategically placed, a phone, an ipad and a garbage can nearby, and some old coat for a blanket that was the closest thing between you and the sofa. 

The world goes black….sleep, broken only by other organs deciding to move through customs and join their friends including the stomach and intestines because those won't be needed for days and days anyway….sleep, becomes your best friend. 

When you wake up, you find your legs paralyzed and you are unable to breath….fear sets in until you realize that two hungry and neglected cats have breached the perimeter and set up camp on the sofa with you…the best spots having been taken they climb on top of the unmoving mound of an old coat. Ever heard a cat bounce off a hardwood floor? 

Any concept of time has been lost…it could be night, it could be day, lights are on or off…who knows….but perhaps a change of clothes would be a good idea……note the word “perhaps”…. lack of food and fluids isn’t great for one’s balance. I do not consider pedialite (what am I…2?) or Gatorade (what am I….12?) to be “real” fluids but they do help with vital organ replacement.  I don’t recall much about trying to find a change of clothes. Perhaps the unexpected contact with a coat hanger and the closet wall have something to do with that. So a little DNA is left scattered about……and the sofa looks ever so inviting again.  More days pass…..

…and IT passes….whatever the F it was. Bread and water are your best friends for a while. The calendar continued to turn taking all of your “to do” list with it that still remain to be done…and add themselves to the ones already there. If I sent out some crazy email about area 51 or Elvis or something, I apologize. If I signed up to do something…well, forget it, I have to go search the sewers for my still MIA pancreas. 

So my friends, wash your hands and avoid crowds, this little F-er is contagious! Oh let’s just do that little cheer shall we? I am a former (not by choice) cheerleading advisor/coach so little chants just run through my head all the time….

                I had the nasty F-ing flu
                I had that F-er
                How ‘bout you?

                Or…

Hurled it once
Hurled it twice
Holy F-er its not nice!
Rolling innards, Son of a B***h
Rah Rah S**t!

1 comment:

  1. Wow...I'm immersed. This post is quite full of s**t.

    ReplyDelete