Home Snide Home

Who doesn't love a lemur?

Aaaaarrrrgh!!!! I can’t take these people anymore!!  Watching the various home search TV shows is driving me insane, although I continue to watch them because the idiocy of these people is addicting and makes me feel so much better about myself.

The comments made while touring homes is obviously staged and edited to have not one good thing included on the aired portion of the show. Now it has been proven that these types of shows are all faked anyway because the selected home has already been purchased and even lived in prior to the “search and tour” portions are filmed.  Ever notice that not one pair of shoes is left by a door, a roll of TP is not in the bathroom and never a stray jacket on a hook in the mud room? There is never any mud in the mud room either, or laundry in the laundry room or a magazine in the bathroom or child’s toy out of place unless the house is to be the “ugly” one. 

Not only does the couple looking for a home have totally unrealistic expectations (translation: we are shallow, demanding, spoiled and petulant with no vision whatsoever…) but they also are coached to view each home as if they had to move in with the furniture and décor of the existing space. Just his morning one woman could not walk through a kitchen because a ceramic rooster was on the kitchen table. Good thing she was not near my house, she may have gone running down the street in abject terror (I like chickens in my kitchen).

The other issue many have is the safety of their little rug rat. Somehow these helicopters think that little Jimmy will never grow up, that the one inch lip on a fireplace will forever haunt their lives as it waits to scar his face from a fall. Ever heard of pillows? Seen a few scars in my day come from a kid hitting the hardwood floor that surrounds the dang fireplace…nobody ever seems concerned about the ceramic tile or sharp corners of a counter either, but that fireplace is a death knoll for a purchase. Somehow the burning fire is of no concern…..

Yards are evidently another problem for parents. Fences seem to be mandatory because Jimmy might run into the street! I don’t know about you, but I used to be outside playing with my kids so they would not run into the street although I did teach them that the street is not a place to play unless one lives on a cul-de-sac and can yell “car” really, really loud. None of my childhood friends ever got hit by one and we did not live on a cul-de-sac, we just watched what we were doing and stepped onto the tree lawn when a car went by….. I know, maybe I expect too much from today’s children, like common sense.

The parents of four legged kids also seem obsessed with fences. Sometimes it takes a few minutes to realize these folks are speaking about dogs and not humans while discussing the merits of a yard. How come the issue of where it will poop never comes up when no grass is in site, but play time is so important?

Bathrooms are another big issue. The preoccupation with the appearance is stunning. Let’s see…does the toilet flush? Check. Does the mirror reflect your own image? Check. Does the water run? Check. Can the floor support your weight? Check. Okay good, now we can figure out how to change those offensive outdated gold fixtures lest your friends show up and judge you by the appearance of your faucets. I am sure they must talk about you behind your back on the ride home. “Can you believe Bob and Beth bought a house with GOLD fixtures? I am so embarrassed to admit we know people with such poor taste! Don’t tell anyone where we were tonight.”

Other seemingly insurmountable issues are other people’s collectibles on the shelves. Oh the horror that the shelves have been defiled by a figurine. For once I’d like to see someone view a walk in closet and pull a dress off the rack and say “Can you believe she would wear this? It is so last year, we can’t possibly move in here!”  I would also like to see the frustrated host/realtor turn to the wife/woman person (who seems to do the most of the whining much to the chagrin of her hapless male companion) and say “You Bitch! Get over it! It has a roof, it has a floor, it has electricity, it has running water….and if you weren’t such a lazy and self righteous princess with an expensive manicure, perhaps you could hold a paintbrush and change that color which so offends your view!!” but alas, such words only come from me in my own kitchen, surrounded by my ceramic chickens and shabby chic cabinets and floors. My kids are asleep upstairs having not been hit by cars for the last 20 years even though we live near a semi busy street, nor cut their heads on the one foot tall stone fireplace surround or run into the metal oven handle that stuck out at eye level when they were young. How did I ever live here? My fixtures are still gold too……so I apologize for all who have used my bathroom over the years. I hope you can forgive my poor taste in flushie feng shui.

And now I shall go back and subject myself to yet another round of picky and overprotective princesses with budgets and demands worthy of a television segment. I feel so much better now!